Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25. (Andrew Rutherford)

Real Programmers don’t need abstract concepts to get their jobs done, they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a compiler, and a beer.

Real Programmers don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.

Real Programmers aren’t afraid to use GOTOs.

Real Programmers can write five page long DO loops without getting confused.

Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements—they make the code more interesting.

Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.

Real Programmers don’t need comments—the code is obvious.

Real Programmers don’t need debuggers, they can read core dumps.

Real Programmers remember phone numbers in binary.

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it.

At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand.

At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying «Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary.»

In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

Real Programmers write programs, not documentation.

Real Programmers don’t wear neckties.

Real Programmers don’t wear high heeled shoes.

Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.

A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife’s birthday. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.

Real Programmers don’t know how to cook. Grocery stores aren’t open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.

Real Programmers don’t write specs—users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.

Real Programmers don’t write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can’t do system programming.

• Variant: Real Programmers don’t write application programs, they write tools to write application programs.

Real Programmers don’t eat quiche. They eat Twinkies. And Szechwan food. (Do not go to eat Szechwan food with a group of Real Programmers unless you are prepared to argue bitterly over the last spring roll.)

Real Programmers aren’t scared of GOTOs…but they really prefer branches to absolute locations.

Real Programmers don’t write COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.

Real Programmers’ programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in «only a few» 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers don’t write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If they are around at 9 AM, it’s because they were up all night.

Real Programmers don’t write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC…after age twelve.

Real Programmers can take the scissors off the phone cord.

Real Programmers don’t write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can’t decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

• Variant: Real Programmers don’t write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can’t choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

Real Programmers don’t play tennis, or any other sport which requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the computer room.

Real Programmers don’t do documentation. Documentation is for simps who can’t figure out the listing.

Real Programmers don’t write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.

Real Programmers don’t draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate’s form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.

Real Programmers don’t read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Real Programmers don’t write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.

Real Programmers don’t write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented Laymen who can’t run a business, much less write a real program.

Real Programmers don’t write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Real Programmers don’t write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Real Programmers don’t write in LISP. Only idiots’ programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.

Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

Real Programmers don’t like the team programming concept. Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.

Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via computer mail networks.

Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.

Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to «think big.»

Real Programmers don’t drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Real Programmers don’t believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers «firm up» schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

Real Programmers prefer cozy over good-looking.

Amateur programmers think there are 1000 bytes in a kilobyte; Real Programmers think there are 1024 meters in a kilometer.

Real programmers can write assembly code in any language. (Larry Wall)